If They Only Had a Brain...
Hi! This is Missie. Your neighbor. The one who lives in the house directly across the street from you, you know, with the really cute toddler and the handsome son and the smokin hot husband? Yeah, that's me. Thought I better jog your memory seeing as how you have probably only laid eyes on me about five times in the TWO YEARS you have lived on our street. Which is kind of weird since I am home all the freaking time and am outside alot talking to all of our other neighbors. Who don't even know your name. And who couldn't pick you or your husband out of a lineup. Because you never come outside.
Now, you not coming outside is kind of strange enough, but whatever. To each his own. But what is kind of troubling is that your daughter? You know, the eight year old who hangs around your house alot? Is ALWAYS OUTSIDE. WITH.NO.PARENTAL.SUPERVISION. This is also really none of my business except...well, I am kinda all weird about little kids staying outside way after dark when absolutely no one who shares DNA with them is out there too. Case in point, the other night, all the kids were playing out in the street riding their scooters and bikes. As night began to fall, so did the number of children in the street, cuz us other parents? Called our kids in. In to our house. For the night. Because that's where kids belong when it gets dark. Is in the house. See how that works? And what was kinda strange too was that after EVERY OTHER CHILD WAS INSIDE, your daughter was still out in the street, riding her scooter all by herself. At 8:45pm.
My husband and I were in our garage with the main door open, so I had a good view of your daughter. After my husband decided to go inside, I stood in our garage and watched her. You know why? Because you didn't. You left her out there another 15 minutes after every other kid went in. You didn't even come out to check on her in the previous 2 hours at all. When you finally did come out, you just stood right at the door and called for her. I stayed and watched her because I knew I would never forgive myself if something happened to your kid between me going in and you finally coming out.
Not trying to insult your intelligence here, but I was just wondering...Have you heard of a segment of our society called, oh what is that term again? Oh, yeah..sexual predators? Child molesters? Kidnappers? Yeah, them guys. See, the way they work is that they look for little kids who are alone and try to abduct them for their own nefarious purposes. And the result usually ain't good. And, and, and know what else? All that noise you hear by our houses? That's called a highway. That busy street that your yard backs up against? Yeah, that's the one. See, it wouldn't be hard for a bad guy to nab your kid and hightail it out to that busy street and be long gone before you even knew she was missing. Because you never come out to check on her.
You don't know who she's playing with. You don't know anything about any of the other parents on the street. You don't know if my husband and I torture small animals or if all of us are involved in a cult where we bite the heads off of live rats. Yet you send your daughter out to play every day in our street. You don't care if she comes into any of our houses. In fact, you don't even know if she does, because YOU NEVER CHECK. You don't pay attention to your own kid, so the rest of us parents have to. (also, did you know that she plays chicken with the cars? Yeah, you might want to look into that.)
I bet you would be the kind of mom who would appear on television after something horrendous has happened to your child saying dumb things like, "I only looked away for a minute" and "She was never left by herself ever!" Just so you know, none of the other moms on the street respect you. Because you don't care enough to watch your own kid. I hope upon hope that nothing ever happens to her because of your negligence.
Now please excuse me. My kids are calling.
Dear People Who Take Their Sick Kids to Church Nursery,
Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you suck.
If your kid is sick, or has been sick, or you think may become sick, keep Snotella at home. The church will go on without you for a Sunday. Trust me.
Dear Realtors Who Have Called My House Today,
Um, hi. Yes, this is Missie. No, this is not a good time. Especially when you call at 8:01 this morning. Yes, I am aware that the MLS listing on my house expired yesterday. (Cuz know what? It's my house. I have all that information. We're all kinda crazy like dat.) I already have a real estate agent. I am not interested in letting you list my house, Mr. and Miss Person I Don't Know. And because you all nine of you that have been calling me all day and keeping me from getting stuff done? I will not be listing my house with any of you ever.
Thanks so much. Buh-bye.
Dear Terrell Owens' Publicist,
Take this anyway you want, but you suck, too.
Regardless of whatever actually happened the other night with your overpaid, egomaniac, mentally unstable, overblown client, for you to make the comment that he has "25 million reasons to live" is about the most heartless, classless thing I have ever heard. Does he have 25 million children? Does he have 25 million wives? Has he done 25 million good deeds? Does he have 25 million friends? No? Oooooh, you were talking about his monnnnney. Ohhhhhh. See, here for a minute, I was thinking that you meant that money is a good reason for living. But you didn't really mean that, did ya? Of course, if he dies, that would put an end to your commission for representing him, wouldn't it?
Well, anyway, you still suck, whatever you meant.
Dear Terri Irwin,
I just want to say thank you.
I watched your interview with Barbara Walters last night. I cried my eyes out with you. I ached for you. I ached for your children. I am so sorry for your loss. But when you answered one of BW's stupid questions about how you were doing now or how you were feeling with, "I lost my prince," you broke my heart.
When my husband walked in from work, he found me sobbing on the floor in front of the tv. I hugged him, told him how much I loved him and thanked him for giving me our kids. Your comment made me appreciate my man so much more.
So thank you. I hope God's healing power is at work in the lives of you and your children.