Drive-by snark: Pirates- ARRRRRR!!

Robyn: That certainly is one wicked wind from the way their hair is blowing about. Ya evah notice how all the cascading locks never blow into their eyes? How these couples never have to stop a kiss to remove the shiny tresses from their mouths? Then again, that's one talented wind. It's blowing their hair in OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
I could, of course insert a joke here about wicked winds and chili recipes, but I'll refrain.

Missie: A touching story of two former Chernobyl workers, feared by all around them due to their glow-in-the-dark orange skin, bound together by passion and mega-hold hairspray.




Robyn:How did she dye her dress exactly the same shade as those flowers? She should be able to do a better job on her hair, then. Roots, honey, roots...
And Captain Blood there looks like Furio from The Sopranos, doesn't he?
So, our pirate is an Italian mobster. With a good bronzer.
Dressed like a Hollywood Indian. With what appear to be Nordish jingle bells on his arm.
And they say romances aren't realistic.

Missie: That's where my two pet stinging caterpillars went! On our hero's face! Also, doesn't Blondie's thumb look just as long as the rest of her fingers?




Robyn: "Avast me hearties! It be the ghost of Cap'n Chesty McMullet! He be feared by sailors everywhere. He can never rest, a-roamin' the Seven Seas on his spirit ship Ropeburn searching for the mutinous crew what stole his shirt."
A shirt that would probably be tucked into a painfully thick leather belt and blowing, in all its unbuttoned glory, in the wicked wind.

Missie: Captain Constipated manages to poke his own eye out with massive manly chest while bending over to tie his shoe.




Robyn: Don't worry about running and hiding, comely wenches. This is one buckler who swishes the other way, I guarantee it. Hide your brothers instead.
If you can see after being blinded by those ginormous headlights. Oh My Protuberances!

Missie: This cover gives murdering, pillaging, raping, theiving pirates a bad name. Is he surrounded by flames or is that supposed to be the sky? What's up with the plant? And why did he feel the need to borrow an earring from JLo?