Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

If I See Another Lace Trimmed Heart I Will Puke

I hate Valentine's Day.

Honestly, what is it? Just another occasion for single people to get depressed, poor couples to feel sad because they can't afford to get anything or go out, and men to obsess over whether or not their pitiful offering will be enough to convince their ladies for tea and crumpets that evening.

Granted, I'm probably not the best person to talk to about this. I've spent the past few days wrestling WalMartians so I could restock the card collection, which I have to straighten three times an hour because people think its okay to gather twelve cards from our 24 foot section of the store and dump them in the frozen foods later.

But the selection is what gets me- Valentines both TO and FROM your dog and cat??? If I ever gave my grandparents Valentines, it was from the box of 40 small ones that I got for the school party. No aunts, uncles, or cousins that I can recall. But Hallmark? Every single person in your life can get a beautiful glittery card. (And btw, that glitter? I'll find it in the middle of my forehead two days later. You CANNOT wash that stuff off.)

One thing that thoroughly confuses me: Valentine money holders. What?? You get money for Valentine's Day? Not once in my entire life did I receive money on Feb. 14th. Birthdays and Christmas were the only correct occasions; Easter was marginally acceptable as long as you put some of it in the offering plate at church that morning. But this lady today was moaning that we had no money holders. I kindly pointed them out, smiling at her even though she caused me to lose my place in front of the Mother section where I working to a business woman in black stiletto boots who carried a ginormous black leather briefcase. I couldn't get back there for twenty minutes. I was scared to try; she looked like she knew how to use those spiked heels.

So the woman, rather than being grateful that I had smiled and helpfully showed her exactly where they were instead of glaring at her and pointing- the correct retail worker customer service posture these days- she goes all Shouty MacYellerson on me because we only had two! Lady, I wanted to say. You don't have to give money on Valentine's Day anyway, but all of our cards? COME WITH ENVELOPES. The money's not gonna fall out.

It's only going to get worse. I'm coming down with some kind of cooties. My only consolation is that if I breathe really hard on the worst WalMartian offenders, they'll be too stuffed up for Valentine night tonsil swabs.


Blogger Missie said...

Good thing you don't want to be a romance author or anything...

Just kidding! I feel the same way. I could get started on having to be the room mother for my son's Vday party, but we just won't take a trip there now. It's too painful.

But, just so you know, I love you, my friend. In a totally non-money-giving, unglittery way.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Oh, speaking of kids, I totally forgot to tell you about the lady who stood there reading cards, oblivious to her three year old boy. He was standing in the grocery cart with a sucker, and drooling worse than any basset hound you ever saw. He suck on the candy, get a big wad of drool, and shake like the dog in Beethoven. He flung red sucker drool ALL OVER while ripping cards out of the pockets and yelling at them. "Oh! Sweetie, let's not do that, okay?" was as much as I could do. Mother of the Year never looked up, just waved her hand and said, "Okay, calm down."

I still can't figure out if she was talking to him or me.

8:12 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

People are aliens. I'm truly convinced of this!

I'm terrible at card-buying because I stare at all of them forever until I find exactly the right one.

3:55 AM  
Blogger Bernita said...

Exactly like the kid who rubs his lollypop on the woman beside him and his mother says "Don't do that - you'll get lint on your sucker."

4:43 AM  
Blogger Jolene*Marie said...

Wow crazy mothers...I saw lots of them at Disney World. I had a battle of wills with a 6 y/o boy in line waiting for a bus. haha. His parents, were totally oblivious to the fact that the child was swinging the chains on the sides of the line and hitting people. So I stopped it. His sister was the one who said "DOnt do that..its not nice." she of course is only about a year older.



4:11 AM  
Blogger Missie said...

How about Walgreen's Mom that I saw the other day? Size 0, stiletto heels with her jeans, long flowing mane of beautiful hair, with her two gorgeous chilluns, age 3 for boy and 4 for girl. Girl decides she wants these plastic rings that are by the checkout. Mom says, "No, sweetheart, let's not get that." Girl ignores her, still pawing through ring container. "Sweetie, you need to put your Valentines up on the counter so I can pay", girl still ignoring her. Again: "Gabriella, honey, please put your Valentines on the counter", girl finally deigns to come over to the counter and plops some plastic rings up there with her Valentines. The cashier, THE CASHIER MIND YOU, had to tell the girl, "Um let's check with your mommy to see if this is okay" because mommy was pawing through her microscopic yet oh so trendy bag looking for money. The mom finally gets a little steel in her voice, but negates it by using a whiny tone, "Gabriella, I said Noo-oo."

I wanted to slap them both, but maybe the mom harder. The day a cashier has to correct my kid because I am not paying attention is the day I turn in my MOM card and leave my kid to be raised by gypsies.

Being the mean mom I am, I would have plucked the Valentines out of her hand and said, "Tough luck, no Valentines for you until you can behave," bought the ones for the brother, and left the store. But that's just me. Being evil.

7:50 AM  

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