Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Viking Raid!!

Sandra Hill writes really good stories. I've read a number of these books, and she's very funny. From what I've heard, she's also a really good sport about the covers her pub has saddled her with. I'm glad, 'cause we're gonna make fun of them anyway.

A Tale of Two Vikings

Robyn: Is this guy wearing a corset under his skin? That's the skinniest waist I've seen since Miss Scarlett went to the barbeque at Twelve Oaks.

Missie: Glad to see the dad from Silver Spoons didn't completely fade into obscurity.

Robyn: Missie, you are totally on to something there- check it out:

Blue Viking

Robyn: Guess what. You're blue because you need a SHIRT, not just a fur cape.

Missie: Robyn, he's not blue because he's cold...he's blue because he's sad because he just found out he lost the Fourth Annual Wet Fur Contest to a guy with a bigger man-chesty.

My Fair Viking

Robyn: "Darling, don't worry! I'll save you!"
"Great. Could you have thought of that a few seconds ago, when you stood next to me instead of in front of me and made me break my freaking neck YOU STOOPID BINT?"

Can't. Get. Past. The. Title. Visions...of..Audrey Hepburn singing...while wearing a fur wrap and carrying...a spear. **cough, cough, sputter*** Must. Get. Help. Soon.

The Last Viking

Robyn: Is frigid North Sea water up your hoo-hah really romantic? Just askin'.

Missie: The last viking who tried hoochy-coochin' in this water died of hypothermia. Just a little FYI, Sven.

Truly, Madly Viking

Robyn: I thought this one was pretty good until I noticed his bottom half doesn't...well, it doesn't really end, does it? And it goes off to the side...I've got it. He's actually a Viking Centaur, isn't he?

Missie: I may forget my clothes and weapons, but I always remember to wear my bracelet. LIVE STRONG!

This next cover has been snarked more times than we can count. Which of course means we had to include him. He's known universally throughout Romancelandia as...the Pull My Finger Guy.

The Bewitched Viking

(Unfortunately, Blogger has decided that I've put too many pics up, so I'll have to link to my account at photobucket. Go here.)

Robyn: Sad, really. Even if he's suffering from terminally arrested development, he's kind of cute. It's like seeing your old high school boyfriend at your college graduation, and he 'performs' at the party your parents throw you, and after the prayer for the food he tells the Dirtiest Joke Anyone Has Ever Heard right in front of your grandmother and God and tries to get the guys into a burping contest and tells all the girls "Did you know we were married in a former life?" and your friends look at you as you try to hide under the table and ask, "Is this the guy you were always talking about?" and you say "NO! It was totally someone else!" as he tells everyone that your name is tattooed on his butt...

My IQ? Whut is dat? Oh, someone tell me before iss ONE. Like dis finger, one. See, I can hold up one! Jah! (My viking talks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shut up.)

Missie further states:

Now, I am not a sheep to be easily led into buying or rejecting a book based on it's cover, but I can say this. If this book had the winning lottery numbers in it, I wouldn't read it. If the pages of this book revealed surefire way to reduce cottage-cheesy thighs in one easy step, I wouldn't read it. If secrets contained in this book could guarantee that hair would never again grow on my legs or in my armpits, I wouldn't read it. Know why? Because I cannot fully enjoy a book and get into the story when I am in the throes of hysterical laughter, that's why. I would keep picturing Mr. Goobenheimer on the cover farting then going, "Did you hear that?" or "No, that wasn't me, that was him over there, duh, huh, huh" or my alltime favorite, "Oops, heard a buck snort!" And people? I just can't do it. Not even for you.

Up next: Covers we actually (gulp) liked!


Blogger Bernita said...

In a very small voice, she said, "I really liked the hypothermic one..."

11:21 AM  
Blogger Carla said...

Well, I guess it might not be the North Sea. After all, the Vikings did get as far as Constantinople and the Med is nice and warm.
Just a thought.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I'm not sure warm water up my hoo-hah is all that romantic, either. Gives me an entirely different idea than tea and crumpets.;)

3:53 PM  
Blogger Gina Welborn said...

Good thing most romance readers don't judge a book by its cover. What do they call those stretchy thingies that you can buy to cover embarrassing paperback covers? Book sweaters? Bodice tape? ;-)

5:32 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Okay, so here's the rub...does no man grow hair on their chest anymore? There is something inherently wrong about me having more hair than they. These guys don't even have treasure trails...what's the point, I ask you?

Sorry, that was a little too much information. But, my feeling on the matter is this: If you're going to have a book about uber-men, i.e. VIKINGS, make them look like MEN for pete's sake! A little nipple hair wouldn't hurtcha.

9:46 AM  
Blogger Missie said...

I agree, sista! Unless all Vikings went down to Opal's Wax and Curl to get that smooth, shiny look, then these covers are not in any way historically accurate.

Also, their hair? Why is it always all wavy and shiny and in great condition like they just had a hot oil treatment and weekly appointments with Christof of Beverly Hills?

Just sayin.

11:40 AM  
Blogger OzzatLarge said...

Hisorically Vikings were very hairy beardmongers. I don't suppose they ever met Mr. Gillette or Mr. Remington. How funny. When I get my body looking like that, I am sure I would be inclined to strip the patches that I have too.

Modern Day Vikings Rock

Ozz at Large

2:58 PM  
Blogger Carla said...

Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a book cover featuring a hunk with a hairy chest. I wonder why? Are smooth chests sexier? Or is it some more prosaic reason, like chest hair is really hard for the cover designer to draw?

7:12 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Anyone remember Magnum P.I.? Now there's a man with the chest hair you can run your fingers through. Mm, mm, mm. I still think Tommy's sexy.'s the wave of the future, but UNNATURAL. Ick.

Ozz, don't even THINK about it!

11:09 AM  
Blogger OzzatLarge said...

Think about what? Oops, maybe too late. Just kidding. I have only gotten rid of it twice. You know, if I am going to look like "The Rock" I am gonna hafta mow.

Rock on Hairless Wonders

Wait, isn't our strength in our hair. Oh, maybe not, that was that Samson dude.

Ozz at Large

12:58 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

Ozz honey,
I hate to be the one to tell ya this, but mowing the chest hair is the least you have to do in order to look like the Rock. (Just Kidding!) I crack myself up.


2:41 PM  
Blogger OzzatLarge said...

As far as looking like the Rock, I am on my way. Just wait and see. Just ask Jess if there is improvement. I am truly working on it. I will settle for a Mini-Me Rock look too.

And as far as the Bewitched Viking, my favorites are:

Hey, pull my finger and Hey something stinks in here, oh, wait, maybe that's me!

I can crack myself up also up too. So there!

As Always
Ozz at Large

3:05 PM  

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