Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

These Ladies Have No Friends

Or at least none that would tell them what they really look like. We've wondered what causes excessive catty snarkiness around award show fashion, and we've decided its a big honkin' case of schadenfreude. I mean, when we have a big night out, we go shopping for a new dress...but can't get the shoes AND the clutch, unless we settle for that other dress that's only okay, but then if we get the wonderful clutch we can't get our hair done, so maybe the shoes we have at home will work, and we can get the perfect dress, the clutch, hair AND nails. When we finally get the financial wizardry done and go home, we have to put on panty hose while removing toddlers from our legs and apply make-up in stages while making arrangements for the babysitter to be picked up when her ride falls through and ordering pizza for them all to eat and figuring out what to say when our darlings choose that moment to ask where babies come from.

So we think we're entitled to a little unholy joy when a woman is a jillionaire who doesn't have to say no to anything, has unheralded access to designers and stylists and glam squads, an army of nannies and flunkies to take care of domestic issues, and teams of P.R. people whose job it is to make sure she doesn't make an idiot of herself, shows up at internationally televised events looking and acting like this:

Robyn: We are in mortal peril of finding out if she got a Brazilian before the show.
Missie: Note that fell from Beyonce's clutch while walking the red carpet:
"Dear Beyonce, Just wanted to let you know that your Pap smear came back negative. Don't forget to schedule your yearly exam next January. Sincerely, Your OB/Gyn".

Robyn: Angie, I know children are starving in Africa. You didn't have to wear a shroud.
Missie: You can't read it, but her tattoo is cussing you out.

Robyn: Justin is NOT worth losing your mind for. Come away from the ledge.
Missie: She reminds me of my crazy aunt who thought she found the Crown Jewels in her closet.
(Snarkling Clean editorial note: Missie's not kidding.)

There were more, but we can't take it. For the love of Pete, please listen to your stylists. Or fire them. Whatever. Just so you starlets have an example of how to do it right and rock it no matter what your age:

Robyn: I so want to be her when I grow up.
Missie:I want to be Helen Mirren now!

And just because we want to:

Robyn: YUM!

Missie: Now that is something I could look at for a solid 24, that's for sure!


Blogger December Quinn said...

Cameron Diaz always looks crazy. Every time I'm in danger of thinking Justin Timberlake is kind of cool, I remember he dates her and the tiny glimmers of respect fall away.

9:25 AM  
Blogger StarvingWriteNow said...

I agree that Cameron Diaz looked like hell unleashed. Jennifer Lopez looked like she took the sheets off her bed and made a toga out of them. The only thing missing was the wreath. I didn't see that pic of Branjelina till now and, again, I agree with whatever fashion critic it was that said her look was "aging" her.
Not a great look--and she doesn't look very happy in that photo. I wonder why...

11:59 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Angelina looked funereal. Her pained expression with that ashy gray chiffon spelled 'corpse bride' to me.

And Beyonce's flouncing on the carpet...if she stuck her butt out any further she'd need spinal surgery at age 40.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

In every picture I have seen of her lately, Angie's all, "I cannot smile because I am thinking deep thoughts about international adoption, the situation in Darfur, and how cute Brad looks in his boxers". Come on, Ang. You have three adorable children, a fairly cute man-partner-WEwillNOTmarryUNTILeveryoneCAN-type thing on your arm, and boatloads of money. Surely you can find something to smile about?

I mean, I just got some new dishes from Pottery Barn and I am all up over the moon about that. So just sayin.

And seriously, Beyonce? We've covered this ground before...literally. Maybe you should get your mommy to make you something not gold, not sparkly, and not showing all of your anatomy. That is just a suggestion for your own good. Think how many colds you will avoid if you actually COVER THE HECK UP!

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Kiefer!!! Now that's classy. Too funny about Angelina. She's a piece of work.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Bernita said...

That first one...she couldn't find the bathroom, so...

4:03 AM  
Blogger Isabella Snow said...

I'd like to see that same stance of Beyonce's from the front on - must look like she hasn't any legs!

6:57 AM  
Anonymous spyscribbler said...

I have total dress envy for Angelina's dress. That dres is gorgeous! I love the flowing, full skirt at the bottom.

I want that dress!

(And Beyonce looks like ... er, like how this girl in first grade looked after she peed her pants in school.)

3:57 PM  
Blogger Girl con Queso said...

Okay reading this was better than watching the award show.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

As one who reads "People Magazine" to my best friend's salon as she gets her nails done.....unbelievable. Someone must have told Angelina that smoke is the new black. They were wrong. Bitter is the new black. You know, you're man sleeps with another woman and it's in the tabloids and....oh that's JEN, not Angelina.
LOVE the Tux. Kiefer just look classy. Mmmmm.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Mama Drama Jenny said...

Ha! I love it!

9:46 AM  
Blogger SolShine7 said...

Now this is a snarky good time! And may I say, your blog title so much. I'm sure somewhere David Hasselholf is crying because of its beauty. ::tear::

Keep up the good work!

p.s. I found you via Camy Tang's blogroll. Yat for her!

7:11 AM  

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