Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Salacious and the Snark

Virginia Henley's titles were just as funny as the covers, so in this edition you're getting a twofer. And the cover blurbs just made us go SQUEEEE!

The Falcon and the Flower

"Promised to him in marriage, she vowed not to surrender her body or her soul!"

Why does she have that goofy grin? Is he giving her a horsey ride on his knee? And that is the stupidest armor I've ever seen. "Yes, you might ram your sword right through my vitals, but my neck is covered!"

Miss Flower? When someone vows not to surrender her body? She doesn't then sit on a guy's lap with her chest in his face. Just FYI.

The Raven and the Rose

"She was a proud, wild rose that only the Raven could tame."

Wow, they had really good conditioner in the middle ages, no? But Lord Mullet-Smythe there has me worried. Why is he practically out of his shirt but he still has his sword? I mean, wouldn't you worry about a boyfriend who said he loved you and he adored you and he wanted tea and crumpets but he had to keep hold of a sharp, pointy object?

How is he gonna tame this wild rose, force her to grow around an arbor? This cover makes my head hurt. And I cannot be expected to snark properly when my head hurts.

The Pirate and the Pagan

"He would risk anything to conquer her wild, hellion heart!"

Again with the shirtless swordbearing. This cover artist is starting to scare me. Nice pair of Santa Claus boots, though.

She makes me want to cry. In sympathy. No woman should have her protuberances that mashed unless she's having a mammogram.

He's risking catching a nasty cold. I'm just sayin.

Dr. Laura:
A woman known for having a "hellion heart" is not the best relationship risk. I'm just sayin'.

The Dragon and the Jewel

"He would sell his warrior soul to possess her forbidden innocence!"

I'm getting seriously creeped out. This guy's totally ready for crumpets but he's STILL WEARING THE SWORD! I do not want to know what happens in this novel.

Nice that he took her to Burger King on her birthday, though.

Missie's husband:
"I had breakfast with the King!"

Can we be done with the whole concept of SellingYourSoulForLove thing, please? When I got married, the vows were love, honor, obey (yeah, right), forsake all others, but no selling of the soul was mentioned. I would have remembered that.

And I am unclear on the forbidden innocence. What does that even mean? Book Publishing People, please, please, Ibegofyouplease, if you are going to put a blurb on the front of the book, please make it make sense!

Virginia's titles were so good, our own muses were tickled. We submit these for your consideration:

The Witch and the Wino
The Homey and the Hoochymama
The Teacher and the Telemarketer
The Polygamist and the Programmer
The Computer Geek and the Communicable Disease Carrier

The Square Dancer and the Stalker
The Receptionist and the Ragpicker
The Neurologist and the Nuclear Regulator
The Acrobat and the Absentee Voter
The Nymphomaniac and the National Guard

Next: Why Are These People Still Outside?


Blogger Missie said...

I am unclear on the last title. Was that nymphomaniac with the ENTIRE National Guard or just one unit? Guess it wouldn't really matter.

Plus, I forgot to tell you about my latest read:
The Pedicurist and the Proctologist.

3:49 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

Oh, and the Pirate and Pagan cover? Where is the ship? There is no ship! There is a horse, but no ship! How can you be a pirate without a ship? Or did she convert him and he's now a pagan too, so he doesn't need a ship? Again, I'm just sayin.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Speaking of horses, why aren't any of these people creeped out by getting busy while their noble steeds look on? I'd be afraid of what they were saying to each other. Who wants your pet to laugh at your, er, technique?

5:40 PM  
Blogger Jolene*Marie said...

Rotfl I near died laughing at your own titles. The Homey and the Hoochymama? rotfl. And for goodness sakes those are some terrible covers. Who reads those sorts of books? One look at those and I'd be runnin the other way.

Jo, can't wait for next times.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Bernita said...

#1 - ~sigh~ another guy who's not-sure-of-the-concept. Her front is at his chin and he's looking UP?
BTW, what's with the extra nipples on his arms?
#2 Are the horses having tea and crumpets?
#3 - looks like a protruberance competition.
Can't agree about the swords though, about the only authentic detail there. A warrior would have his slice'n dice handy, them's were the times.Gotta be ready to whip it out...
Will someone get these women some shoes?
I love this blog.

4:56 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

"what's with the extra nipples on his arms?"

OMG, I hadn't noticed that. I was too busy worrying that he was going to choke himself on that neckplate. Dude's got the plague, Flower! Bail!

"Will someone get these women some shoes?"


6:15 AM  
Blogger Jolene*Marie said...

ROTFL Bernita...oh man...I'm dying here..*Note to self* Do not read the blog or the comments during the kids' naptime!!


7:59 AM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

LOL! Sorry, I love it when you rip on covers. Too funny.

My favorite is Homey and the Hoochymama.

What about some paranormals: The Vampire and the Venereal-Disease Carrier?
The Werewolf and Wonder Woman? (ggg)

4:21 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

Michelle! I love it! The Vampire and the Venereal-Disease Carrier!
I think you should write that when you are done with your current book.

6:19 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

And also, my husband didn't think the Homey/Hoochymama was all that funny. He gave me the "you crack yourself up, dontcha?" look and went back to his reading.

6:21 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

I know that look. Does he have the accompanying "well, it keeps her at home and happy" sigh?

8:15 PM  
Anonymous Danica said...

I like your titles.

My daughter would want to buy the ones with the horses on the covers. And when she gets married, I'll make sure she has them. ;)

11:37 PM  
Blogger Camy Tang said...

ROFL! I like you guys' titles much better.

12:38 AM  
Anonymous Amy said...

Thanks for the chuckles!

8:12 AM  
Blogger upwords said...

This was so funny I'm going to have to go and lay down. The Pirate and the Pagan did me in. Santa boots? He's going to catch a cold? You two are hilarious.
mary g

9:11 AM  

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