Horse Cover Models- Stop the Abuse!

We’ve noticed a terrible trend in covers: the absolutely horrible way our equine friends are treated. They are strong, noble, gentle creatures who have ever been man’s allies and helpers. But this is the thanks they get?

Beauty and the Beast



Robyn:
This horse looks ticked. Ticked and a little jealous. “Look at all the work I’ve gone to. My saddle’s polished. I’m high stepping. And I totally woke up early so I could get these curls in my mane. But does he appreciate it? Noooo. He decides to pick up some tramp who’s coming out of her dress. Well, I can take consolation in the fact that if he holds her like that he’s gonna break her ribs. If that doesn’t work I can always leave a little present in her blankets.”

Missie:
And look, little girls, this My Pretty Pony set comes complete with Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon Ken doll and Hawaiian Acid Trip Slut Barbie for hours of playtime fun. Ginormous Rose for Jumping Over sold separately.

John Riley’s Girl



Robyn:
Is nothing sacred? I know I keep saying GO INSIDE, but I meant the ranch house, not the barn! Roll in the hay is a euphemism, mmkay? This poor little foal is going to be traumatized for life!

Missie:
Doe, a deer, a female deer....that's what this alleged horse looks like. Seems to me, ole John shouldn't oughta be having a wild animal in his barn. (get it, wild animal in his barn?) Okay, seriously, I got nothin.

Highland Velvet



Robyn:
Two words: HOLY. CRAP. You’d better stop trying to scoop her up, sir, and pay attention to your horse. He don’t want her in his saddle, and who can blame him? That is one seriously scary chick. She looks like Braveheart Elvira.

Missie:
The Prince of Darkness called. He would like his horse back.

The Raider



Robyn:
I don’t think your hair is supposed to have the perfect circumference of your hoop skirt, is it? And how, exactly, are they sitting on that horse? I can’t figure it out. It must be painful for the poor thing. He’s totally getting ready to take a chunk out of you, Raider! Course, if Mr. Mysterious thinks that puny little mask is going to keep his identity secret, he’s not too bright.

Missie:
Feeling lonely and out of sorts by the recent marriage of his friend Tonto, the Lone Ranger finds solace in the arms of Static Girl. Together, they roam the hills, ride the prairies, and restyle the mane of his trusty horse in honor of Loney's favorite eighties band, Flock of Seagulls.

Next: Virginia Henley Covers Are Not Safe!