Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Worst Covers Evah- The Winners!

I know you've been waiting with baited breath for the winners of the Worst Covers Evah. Well, get a tic-tac and your bleach infused eyewash. Here they are:

#3- Wild Orchids

That has got to be the ugliest man I have ever seen on a romance cover. He reminds me of the creepy carnival worker who always got a little handsy when he belted you into the Tilt-A-Whirl.

Bill gave up being a professional stalker for his new career, romance cover model. But what really would have made this cover special would be putting some flowers on maybe some purple orchids.

#2- Seafire

“Simon, oh, Simon! You promised me if I played pirate with you I could be the next American Idol!”

I can’t get over the expression on her face. She’s all Dang. Those are freakin’ huge protuberances.

Actually, she's all, "Dang. What made me think being cast in Flashdance II: The Pirate Years was such a good career move?"

And now, the single worst cover evah. The winner is…

Just A Kiss Away

Chapter 98 of Robyn’s Rant WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE OUTSIDE?
Not just in a field or a stream or on a mountain, but in the middle of a waterfall!!! Yes, I could soooo be overcome by passion whilst precariously perched on rock being pelted by rushing water. Water that’s totally weighing down his jeans and my taffeta dress. I’m thinking he should know better; judging by the eye patch, he’s sustained injuries doing this kind of thing before. They're just a kiss away from multiple internal hemorrages.

See, here's where Robyn and I compliment each other. I didn't even notice the eyepatch. My thought process went something like this:
"How'd they get out there on that rock? Did they swim? And if so, why aren't they wet? How'd their hair get dry that fast? Was it the wind? Cuz if so, wouldn't that have blown them off the rock? And if they used a blowdryer, where'd they plug it in at? And it's sooo not safe to use electrical appliances in the middle of a waterfall. Or wait, is that warning only for the bathtub? Because on my dryer, it has the picture of the tub and the dryer with a big red circle with a line through it thingie. And why is he wearing jeans and she's wearing her prom dress? If they knew they were gonna go make out on a rock surrounded by water, why didn't they dress appropriately? And wouldn't her Tammy Faye eye makeup have smeared all over the place by now? Cuz dang, I can't even pass by a sink without my mascara running, and there's got to be some serious mist coming up from the water hitting the rocks and even with waterproof mascara..."
See...she makes her comments pithy and to the point. Mine meander around lost like a husband forced to endure a craft fair.

The badness will not end. Bwahahaha. Stay tuned for Horse Cover Models- end the abuse!


Anonymous Jo said...

Ack this was the funniest yet!!! haha. Oye I love the waterfall scene..They're just a kiss away from multiple internal hemorrages Rotfl Robyn.


5:27 PM  
Blogger Douglas Hoffman said...

I would have made your #2 your #1. All she needs is the coffee cup on top of her head.

6:52 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Personally, I thought "Tender is the Storm" from the second installment was the absolute WORST...tender...storm (isn't that an oxymoron or is it just moronic that a man would have his clothes ripped off before ripping off the woman's). Whatever, they're all sincerely horrificly wonderful. Thanks girls.

7:35 PM  
Blogger Missie said...


Are you my friend Jessica or are you a new friend Jessica? Either way, thanks for stopping by. And that Tender Storm actually not ever happening in real life.

9:31 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

"All she needs is the coffee cup on top of her head."


10:16 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

God, you guys are a scream. LOL on Tammy Faye. I have to say, my first reaction at cover #3 was--How did a freakazoid Tom Selleck get planted on the front of this book? Yowzer.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Bernita said...

He has JEANS on?
She's standing on a slippery, wet,slimy rock on one foot.
Stork queen.

6:33 AM  
Blogger Missie said...

That's who it is! I was trying to figure out who Mr. Mustachio
reminded me of in a bad, evil, registered sex offender kind of way, and it was Tom Selleck! I adore Tommy, but this guy looks like an expirement where a mad scientist tried to clone him and it went horribly wrong.

Love the coffee cup on the head. I laughed out loud at that one, and my 9 yo boy wanted to know what was so funny. Needless to say, I didn't show him the pic or try to explain.

Stork Queen. *double snort*

7:43 AM  
Blogger Bernita said...

Working from up, #2 looks as if he's just been goosed.
I love this blog.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

#2 almost had the pirate trifecta: shirt's unbuttoned and tucked in, but red sash instead of massively thick leather belt? Minus two points.

12:19 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...


Yes, friend Jessica.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Missie said...


I have to say the Simon comment was the funniest thing I have read in a long time.

I am waiting for him to bust out singing, "What a Feelin'!"

8:22 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Thank you, darling. I felt the same about your riff on mascara.

Pray for me, y'all. I'm moving this weekend. My DSL will go off the 17th and come back on the 19th. Two whole days- SOB!

6:07 AM  
Blogger Missie said...

I'm feeling for you, sweetheart. I hate moving. Call me if you need to vent, or if you are getting the urge to put your kids in one of the boxes with no air holes. I'm here to talk you down.

8:57 AM  
Blogger Missie said...

Okay, Ever Observant Husband took one look at the last cover and said, "Wouldn't all that rushing water give those people an enema?" Yep, that's my man, Mr. Romance.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Is there a wash for the imagination? I need it, quick!

5:44 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Ack!!! Roger!

6:49 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

Find yourself constipated and uncomfortable? Relief is Just a Kiss Away!

Sorry. Had to do it.

10:36 PM  

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