Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Open Letter

Dear Celebrities and Musical-type Stars,

I am writing to you today in hopes that you can help me with a problem I am having. It seems that lately, my head is exploding at regular intervals, forcing me to keep a roll of duct tape handy in order to repair the damage. After visiting several health professionals and speaking with my fellow blogstress who knows all, Robyn, we have narrowed down the cause of my malady.

It’s you guys. And girls. All y’all.

It’s not the fact that you think the world revolves around you, which, news flash—it doesn’t. It’s not that you think you can say and do whatever you want, and we are not supposed to be offended, shocked or otherwise express any negative attitude about your “art”. And it’s not even the weird baby name thing you all seem to have a penchant for. I really don’t care if you want to call your kid ShineyMoonHiney. After all, you have the money to pay for the therapy he’ll need later.

It’s all the marrying and divorcing. For cryin out loud, y’all. Stop. Just stop.

Now, most of you live in LA, New York, or Music City, just as far away from the peons like me who buy your mediocre CDs and watch your crappy movies. However, it seems to me that us peons have a better track record at the whole marriage thing than you do, so allow me to offer you a few hints so that maybe you can spend less time in your lawyer’s office and more time turning out a quality product that we might actually want to spend our hard-earned money on.

1. It’s not a good idea to marry someone you have known for fifteen minutes, regardless of how hot he or she is. There is no substitution for getting to know someone before deciding to join your lives together. I have been married for almost fourteen years and am still finding out new things about my husband, and he’s not all that deep.

2. Don’t go into marriage looking for the back door. Signing prenups and having your peeps contact your intended’s peeps to do the deal is not the best way to start a marriage. Marriage should be for life, not until you fall in love with your next co-star. (and for the love of Pete, quit using the word “peeps”. Makes me think of a bunch of marshmallowy sugar-coated morons running around doing your bidding. And my brain already hurts from exploding so much.)

3. Realize that a wedding does not make a marriage. Some of you have spent more time planning your nuptials than you ever spent on trying to work on your relationship. Marriage is work. Lots of work. Lots and lots of work. Think of it as the most important role you ever had. Because it is.

4. “Irreconcilable differences” is a load of crap. If everyone who had irreconcilable differences with her spouse got divorced, there would be no married people in the country. And the “we grew to apart” line is a load, too. If you can grow apart, you can grow back together. With a boatload of work. Chocolate helps too.

5. If there are kids involved, keep your nappy butt married. If you thought he was good enough to sleep and make babies with, then at least think of the babies you made and try to give them an intact family. Unless Daddy is into stuff that’s illegal, immoral, or unethical, don’t you dare split them babies’ homes up. Think beyond your next Botox treatment and do something for your children. Love their dad.

6. Finally, remember that God sees everything. He was listening when you took those vows, whether in a fancy church or in front of an Elvis impersonator. You made a contract. Do everything in your power to keep it. He thinks it’s pretty darn important. You should too.

Hopefully, by following the above guidelines, you and your fellow famous people can enjoy some of the happiness that those of us in real America enjoy on a daily basis. Please at least give it a shot. My head can't take much more.

8 Comments:

Blogger Robyn said...

Boggles the mind, don't it? I found myself howling with laughter when Renee Zellweger's statement about her annulment from Kenny Chesney was announced. I'm paraphrasing: "I had to give a reason for the annulment, and of the choices available, fraud was the least objectionable. Even though I'm accusing him of fraud, this is in no way a negative statement on his character." Maybe not, honey, but it might be one on yours.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Sheesh! Is it just me, or are these Blogger word verification things getting harder to see? For all this trouble, the least they could do is give us an edit button for typos so we don't look like doofuses.

6:33 AM  
Blogger Missie said...

Robyn,
That furthers my belief that between all that losing weight, gaining weight, and different dye jobs, Renee's already muddled mind became even more so. She's just accusing him of fraud. Why should that reflect negatively on him? I really don't care why they split. It's the "let's get married not knowing squat about the other except how they perform in bed then be surprised when this commitment thing is harder that I thought" that gets me. Ugh. What is up with these people?

And you are right about the word verification thingie. It's hard to see. And what language is it in...like, French or something?

7:40 AM  
Blogger Bernita said...

It seems that some of them view marriage as simply a publicity tool, a career advancement.
I tend to agree with you Missie, having been married to the same guy for something like 40 years and haven't killed him - yet.
The word verification under this post looks like...Dutch...vzrmeer.

8:29 AM  
Anonymous Heather Diane Tipton said...

wait... Renee is getting an annulment from Kenny??? I didn't know that. Dang the woman is insane.

9:11 PM  
Blogger Missie said...

Heather,
I felt that way too. He so pretty in his muscle shirts and cowboy hat. And he sings real nice too. ;) When I was pregnant, I was driving to the store one day and heard his song "The Good Stuff", and I had to pull over and cry for a bit. Hormones combined with a good song does it every time.

Hey, maybe he needs someone to console him, Heather! Write him, write him now! ;)

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Movie stars don't seem to have a grasp on reality, do they? It's as though they get married as often as they change their underwear. Yikes.

11:14 AM  
Anonymous Heather Diane Tipton said...

LOL Missie... I love that song. LOL Yeah like me writing him would do any good. But the thought did make me smile... LOL

6:33 PM  

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