Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

When It Rains...

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection B:
If your washing machine is going to break down after thirteen long years of faithful service, it is going to do it when the tub is full. Of water. And jeans.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection B, Addendum 1:
If your washing machine is going to break down after thirteen long years of faithful service, and you cannot get another one right away, the first thing your seven month old daughter is going to do is a Scientology-inspired colon cleansing ritual. A big one. A big sticky one that gets all over her clothing. Clothing that you can’t wash because your washing machine broke down after thirteen long years of faithful service.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection B, Addendum 2:
Never ever in the history of ever buy a USED WASHING MACHINE THAT SEARS SAID WAS JUST LIKE NEW EXCEPT FOR THE BIG SCRATCH ON THE FRONT AND DON’T WORRY, IT’S IN FINE WORKING ORDER BECAUSE WE TESTED IT BY RUNNING IT THROUGH ONE CYCLE, AND IS STILL UNDER WARRANTY, IT’S JUST $170 LESS THAN A BRAND NEW ONE AND NO THERE ISN’T ANY DIFFERENCE, HERE SIGN RIGHT HERE SO I CAN CHARGE IT TO YOUR SEARS CARD.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection B, Addendum 3:
After you buy the used washing machine that Sears said was just like new and get it home, unload it from your pickup using just your husband’s brawny brawn and your worthless wimpy strength ohmygoodness this is too heavy I am going to drop it hurry up honey, hook it up, and put the same soaking load of jeans in it that was in the old washer the same morning, and the used washing machine (which shall hereby be referred to as TOOL OF THE DEVIL) fills up with water, the tool of the devil will then make strange noises, and quit…WITH THE TUB FULL OF WATER AGAIN. AGAIN! And make your house smell like burnt high school boy gym shoes.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection C
(because this deserves a subsection all its own):
When the tool of the devil breaks down after you have used it for a grand total of 10 minutes, resoaking your clothes and smelling up your house, and you call Sears and speak to the girl who JUST SOLD YOU THE FREAKING MACHINE LESS THAN AN HOUR AGO, HI, WE WERE THE COUPLE WITH THE ADORABLE BABY YOU KEPT COMPLIMENTING US ON, the salesperson will actually say these words, “Um…well, what did you want us to do about it?”

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection C, Addendum 1:
After calling the store stupidly thinking they will help you resolve your problem in a prompt and professional manner but finding out that NO, just the opposite is true because why should they feel any responsibility for a machine they just sold you an hour ago, you will calmly turn to your husband and ask him if he will bring the children to see you in prison for the next five to ten, where you are serving out your sentence for killing an extremely stupid salesperson by choking her with a pair of wet jeans.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection D:
People are stupid.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection D, Addendum 1:
People are stupid, and people who are supposed to not be as stupid as other people because they have titles like Manager, Assistant Manager, and Grand Poobah in charge of Washing Machines and other Tools of the Devil, are even more stupid than the stupid people they are supposed to stupidly be in charge of. Stupid…

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection D, Addendum 2:
After stupid Poobahs tell you to contact the Service department, and you find out Service can come out SIX DAYS FROM NOW, and you call back Stupid Poobah to inform him that this is not acceptable, Stupid Poobah can actually get something done if you threaten to call the Poobah in charge of him, whose title is Grand Exalted Poobah over Stupid Salespeople.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection D, Addendum 3:
You will, for the second time in about five hours, have to empty soapy cold water from another washing machine tub using your Mr. Coffee Ice Tea Maker pitcher because it’s the only thing that will fit down into the sides of the tub.

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection D, Addendum 4:
You will, for the second time in about five hours, have to wring out an entire load of jeans, plop them into your Dutch oven, and cart them to your bathtub where they will wait until later when you have time to hand wash the stupid things BECAUSE YOUR WASHING MACHINE HAS QUIT AFTER 13 LONG YEARS OF FAITHFUL SERVICE and the tool of the devil you bought to replace it quit after 10 minutes of stupidstupidstupid service!!

Missie’s Law #7923.62 Subsection E:
You will finally get Sears to come get the tool of the devil and Poobah will agree to let you have a brand new washing machine for $100 less than the list price, but you will still be mad. Because…please refer to #7923.62 Subsection D:
People are stupid.

3 Comments:

Blogger Bernita said...

Yes.
Exactly.
I grovel at your feet.

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Wow, you go, girl! I'm so glad they did the right thing. And hugs on the baby colon...er...issues.

Hope the new washer is perfect!

5:12 PM  
Blogger quirkychild said...

Oh my. *wipes tears* Oh, I'm so sorry about all that. How awful! But what a great post! Again, a wonderfully crafted, side-splitting view on things I can only find here.

(P.S.: I hope this washer will give many long years of faithful service, and that you won't have to deal with stupid Poohbahs anymore!)

8:34 AM  

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