Royal Rascals, Pt. Two
Johanna Lindsey, queen of the clinch cover, had too much material to cover in one snark. Of course, we couldn't leave anything out, so here is part two. What we do for you people! Get your eyewash.
Heart of Thunder
Robyn:
This just begs for another chapter of Robyn’s Rant. Ahem…
YOU ARE IN A DESERT VALLEY THAT IS ABOUT TO GET DUMPED ON BY A WICKED STORM. YOU WILL DROWN OR BE ELECTROCUTED. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CRUMPETS. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GO INSIDE YOU MORONS.
Missie:
Things that Scare Me About this Cover:
1. The length of her right arm- It just keeps going and going and going...
2. Whatever is her left leg doing - is she pulling some Sidney Bristow and kicking an unseen assailant trying to sneak up behind her man or what?
3. The color of her hair-- Watermelon Cherry KoolAid is the new platinum blonde.
4. The Font- Not much of a difference between the r and the t in Heart makes it look like "Hearr of Thunder" at first glance. Which NO! No hearing of the thunder, please! Because after the hearing of the thunder always comes the smelling of the thunder. And no. Just no.
5. His overuse of sunless tanner or his under use of sunscreen-- Either which way, he reminds me of my grandma's old couch.
6. The Blurb-- She would love him or destroy him. Look, Couch Boy. Not such good choices ya got there. Try eHarmony. They can maybe find you a better match.
Silver Angel
Robyn:
I knew it. I just knew the day would come when one of Madonna’s dancers would snap and try to choke the life right out of her. “You think you’re the only one who would look good in those white hair extensions and high school prom makeup and bullet bra? I’ll crush your ribcage, you drag queen wannabe.”
Missie:
After becoming the only Troll doll to successfully grant her own wish to become human, Flossie finds work in a B movie as a corpse who comes back to life after a kiss from a man who has a secret passion for bracelets, Toupees by Ted Koppel, and matching his makeup to his woman's.
When Love Awaits
Robyn:
I am consistently amazed by the talented wind in these covers. It ruffles her hair very gently away from her face, yet blows like mad in the other direction to make sure her scarf cleverly covers his, er, sword. Does she remind anyone else of Barbra Streisand? Check it out:
Missie:
I am awaiting the yellow pods on the arm of her dress to burst open, freeing the same aliens who tried to eat Sigourney Weaver on many occasions, but who have now traveled back in time to wreak havoc, eat the naked moron on this cover, kidnap the Breck Girl, and live happily ever after sliming up the castle. Go Aliens. The End.
Up next: Titles that made us go “Whaaaa?”
Heart of Thunder
Robyn:
This just begs for another chapter of Robyn’s Rant. Ahem…
YOU ARE IN A DESERT VALLEY THAT IS ABOUT TO GET DUMPED ON BY A WICKED STORM. YOU WILL DROWN OR BE ELECTROCUTED. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CRUMPETS. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GO INSIDE YOU MORONS.
Missie:
Things that Scare Me About this Cover:
1. The length of her right arm- It just keeps going and going and going...
2. Whatever is her left leg doing - is she pulling some Sidney Bristow and kicking an unseen assailant trying to sneak up behind her man or what?
3. The color of her hair-- Watermelon Cherry KoolAid is the new platinum blonde.
4. The Font- Not much of a difference between the r and the t in Heart makes it look like "Hearr of Thunder" at first glance. Which NO! No hearing of the thunder, please! Because after the hearing of the thunder always comes the smelling of the thunder. And no. Just no.
5. His overuse of sunless tanner or his under use of sunscreen-- Either which way, he reminds me of my grandma's old couch.
6. The Blurb-- She would love him or destroy him. Look, Couch Boy. Not such good choices ya got there. Try eHarmony. They can maybe find you a better match.
Silver Angel
Robyn:
I knew it. I just knew the day would come when one of Madonna’s dancers would snap and try to choke the life right out of her. “You think you’re the only one who would look good in those white hair extensions and high school prom makeup and bullet bra? I’ll crush your ribcage, you drag queen wannabe.”
Missie:
After becoming the only Troll doll to successfully grant her own wish to become human, Flossie finds work in a B movie as a corpse who comes back to life after a kiss from a man who has a secret passion for bracelets, Toupees by Ted Koppel, and matching his makeup to his woman's.
When Love Awaits
Robyn:
I am consistently amazed by the talented wind in these covers. It ruffles her hair very gently away from her face, yet blows like mad in the other direction to make sure her scarf cleverly covers his, er, sword. Does she remind anyone else of Barbra Streisand? Check it out:
Missie:
I am awaiting the yellow pods on the arm of her dress to burst open, freeing the same aliens who tried to eat Sigourney Weaver on many occasions, but who have now traveled back in time to wreak havoc, eat the naked moron on this cover, kidnap the Breck Girl, and live happily ever after sliming up the castle. Go Aliens. The End.
Up next: Titles that made us go “Whaaaa?”
posted by Robyn | 5:35 PM
9 Comments:
I LOVE this blog.
Oh. My. God. You guys are HILARIOUS. I love Johanna Lindsay's writing and have always HATED her covers. Worst experience? Sitting in a airport terminal and having a total stranger ask me "You read that Trash?" which led, of course, to a long dissertation (by me) about how romance writing is not "trash".
*sigh*. I'm wrapping my romances in brown paper bags.
Thanks, Jen. You know, I've just started answering that question with "Yes, I do. I also married my cousin when I was thirteen. I mean, his grandma did get him a new trailer." ;)
LOL!
You guys are too much fun.
Aaah, I've missed you guys. Now that I'm almost out from under deadline hell, I can enjoy my dose of cover snark from my fav duo.
I think I actually read that Silver Angel book.
Camy
Camy,
We missed you too. Sending lots of cyber chocolate and Starbucks your way. ;)
And aren't these covers just deliciously horrible? I would be so embarrassed to have one of these grace my writing. But Ms. Lindsey's probably weeping too...all the way to the bank.
Oh and the Aliens coming from her sleeves? LOL.
Writing a ms that will sell--a pint of the author's blood.
Getting an editor to accept it--body and soul.
Having artwork that completely detracts from the story?--Priceless.
First cover: OMG our grandmas had the SAME COUCH. What are the odds of that? Was there only one couch store back in the day?
Second cover: WTF?
Third cover: Maybe I'm crazy, but this one grew on me. I'd read it. He's kinda cute in a hand-drawn way...
Hurry back! This is fun :-)
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