Snarkling Clean

Snarkling Clean- because you don't have to cuss to make fun of stuff. Two dedicated readers discuss romance novels- from what made us weep with joy to what made us want to poke pencils through our eyeballs.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Rounding Up (otherwise known as Really Stinkin Long Post from Missie)

So, yesterday I turned 35.

I was going to do a really cool math problem to make you work to figure out how old I was (like Michelle did on her blog on her bday), such as 70-50+20-5 and throw in some nth power and square roots, but I lost track of the problem half way through and thought, “I am too old for this crap.”

I am now in what is called the mid-thirties. And know what? Not quite so different from early thirties, except I am just that much closer to death than before. Yes, folks, havin a hard time with the whole 35 thing. Especially when I realized that now, when you round me to the nearest decade, you get 40. If that ain’t enough to make me wanna go play in traffic, I don’t know what is.

But my day turned out great. Largely thanks to the hubster and Crumbsnatcher #1, who made me a large poster that read:

“Happy birthday from your husband and the (box of Willy Wonka) Runtz. We know it’s been a Rocky Road trying to make $100 Grand. If what we do (gummy) Bugz you, remember we love you U-No (candy bar)! Love all your Sugar Babies (huge box that I ate all by myself). “

Crumbsnatcher #2 just smiled and drooled a lot. That was her contribution to my day.

Then later, I went to a salon, got a fab haircut and highlights, and gabbed with the stylist. FOUR hours without husband and kids, people. Count ‘em. Four. Woo-hoo! Thought I died and went to ThisIsWhatSinglePeopleGetToDo Heaven. All in all, it was a great day.

In a Totally Unrelated Vein:
I was over at the Writeminded blog the other day and found Larissa’s post about her adventures with the military doctor she saw for a recent cold. I almost needed medical attention myself because I laughed so hard, I was sure I strained something. It reminded me of a doctor visit I had when I was about 14-16, somewhere in there. I had been having some stomach cramping, unrelated to our legacy from Eve, and my parents finally decided to try this new doctor to see if he could figure out what was wrong. My dad brought me because my mom was working that day. So there we sat, being questioned by Dr. Doofus.

DrD: How long have you been having pains?
Me: A few weeks now.
DrD: After meals? Before? Any certain times?
Me: Mainly in the afternoons. Not around meal times.
DrD: Does it burn when you urinate?
Me: No, sir, it does not.
DrD: (Stops writing. Looks up at me with very serious face and says sloooowly) No, honey, what I am asking is does it hurt when you tee-tee?

My dad, who had been sitting in the corner of the room hoping that the Enterprise’s transporter would somehow lock on to his frequency and beam him the heck outta there, had to bow his head very quickly to keep from laughing in the doctor’s face. I, on the other hand, just wanted to knock the crap out of this guy. Instead I just simply smiled and said, “No, sir and it doesn’t burn when I urinate, either.”

I hate it when doctors treat those without initials behind their names like they are lower on the evolutionary scale. And I know of what I speak. I have worked in the medical field for over 17 years. First hospitals, then doctors’ offices, clinics, and insurance companies. I have had plenty of dealings with the healers of our time and while some have been the kindest, friendliest, most wonderful people I have ever met, most have been just a big fat pain in the butt. For which medical science has not yet developed a cure.

But the best of all time were my visits to my first ob-gyn. Warning to any guys reading our blog, you may not want to continue…

After the tee-tee doctor, my mom decided I should probably start seeing an actual ob-gyn. I looked in the phone book and found the only female one in our area. Keep in mind I was only about 15 or so, and had nooo desire for some man to be checking me out in my private area. At our initial appointment with Dr. Woman, my mom accompanied me into the exam room for the interview portion. It went something like this:

DrW: So, you are having some stomach cramping problems? Hmm. Are you sexually active?
Me: No, ma’am.
DrW: Are you sure?
Me: Yes, ma’am, I am sure.
DrW: (looks very puzzled) But you aren’t a virgin, are you?
Me: Yes, ma’am, I am a virgin.
DrW: (Loooong pause, checking my chart) How old are you again?
Me: 15.
DrW: And you say you’re a virgin?
Me: (Starting to get mad) Yes, ma’am.
She then shows my mom out of the room so she can examine me.
DrW: Is there anything you want to tell me without your mom in here?
Me: No, ma’am.
DrW: Are you a virgin?
Me: (had enough by this point): Yes, ma’am. I haven’t had sex in the two minutes it took me to change my gown, so yep, still a virgin.
She examines me, then calls my mom back in the room.
DrW: Well, Mrs. Mymommy, you will be happy to know you’re daughter wasn’t lying to you. She is a virgin.
My Mom: I knew that.
DrW: I just wanted you to know, because right before your daughter’s appointment, I delivered twins to a 15 year old girl, who had told her parents she was a virgin too.
My Mom: My daughter’s not like that. Please remember that in the future.

They then went on to discuss whatever it was my problem was, get the prescription and off we went.

Fast forward to about 6 years later. I am 21, engaged, and needing to get on birth control pills a few months before I get married so we don’t end up with a honeymoon baby. I go back to the same doctor because I do NOT want to have to find a new one and all I need are some bc pills, so how hard can this be?

DrW: (Reading my chart) So, I saw you a few years back, huh?
Me: Yes, Ma’am.
DrW: And your reason for being here today is contraception?
Me: Yes, Ma’am. I am getting married in about 3 months and would like to get on birth control.
DrW: (lowers chart, glares at me) What have you been using up to now?
Me: Nothing.
DrW: You are having unprotected sex?
Me: No, ma’am. I am a virgin. I have had no need for birth control up until now.
DrW: (Laughs out loud) You are a virgin? You are a virgin? How old are you?!
Me: 21.
DrW: And you are a virgin?
Me: Yes, ma’am. I was when I came in here, and unless talking to you is having sex, then I still am. Could I please get a prescription?
DrW: (Gives me a bland, condescending smile) How many children are there in your family?
Me: (puzzled) Three. I am the youngest.
DrW: You do know your parents had to have sex at least 3 times to have all of you, right?
Me: (supremely unbelievably pissed at this point) Ma’am, I imagine they’ve had it quite a bit more than that, although it’s none of my business. I am a virgin. Not an idiot. I have a pretty good idea of how everything works. Can I please have my prescription now?

The rest of the appointment passed in a blur of angry, seething rage and I could not get out of there fast enough. When I told my mild-mannered fiancé what had happened, he was so mad he wanted to go open up a can of whoop-hiney all over her for treating me that way.

So do any of you have interesting medical stories to share? We could always use a good laugh.


Blogger Robyn said...

I won't go into Dr. Wanker, my mom's radiologist. I get too mad. Or Dr. Stupid, who told my son he had asthma and then regaled him with tales of all the kids who had died while their parents stood there and could do nothing. Grrr...

But I will tell you about a doc at an urgent care center. We were at my mom's for Christmas when my son, about 7 yrs. old at the time, got hit with an ear infection. This doctor was an open, friendly, personable young man who was very pleasant. But he kept hugging me.

My son's been sick before. I wasn't upset. But he kept HUGGING ME. I'm an approachable, affectionate person, but I don't know this guy. And he KEPT HUGGING ME. While he's telling the nurse to give me some samples of painkillers for the boy, he's literally rubbing my back, up and down my spine. I ran out as fast as I could so he wouldn't kiss me.

Maybe I should have been flattered, but I just wanted to scream QUIT. HUGGING. ME.

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Kaitlin said...

My mom likes to regale me with this story every now and then. When I was two and a half, I had to go in and have my shots. I was a very good little girl, with a ready smile and very quiet. Not this time around.

It took three nurses, an orderly, and my mom to hold me down. My mom said that afterwards, the doctor told her they'd never seen such a strong little kid. I'm amazed I didn't beat the snot out of someone that day.

Of course, when I was 2 I looked like I was 8, so I can see why they'd think I was so strong. That's what you get when you have a very unhappy, very tall child being pinned down to give them a shot in the butt. :)

3:49 PM  
Anonymous Michelle said...

Oh, I just love reading this blog. You guys always make me laugh.

Happy Birthday! The candy message sounds so sweet. And for what it's worth, you are three to the third power plus 8. :) You're welcome. :D

What a moron OB. I had something similar happen, and gosh were they surprised to find out that NO, I wasn't lying, and not every girl under 21 runs out and has sex.

Funny story though...a friend of mine was doing his rotation in OB/Gyn and he asked the patient, "Ma'am are you sexually active?"
Her response? "No, I just lie there."

4:51 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Oh, Michelle! ***snortsnortsnort***

7:28 PM  
Blogger Camy Tang said...

ROFL!!! You guys totally make my day happier.

Sorry to hear about that stupid doctor. Sheesh.

I don't really have dumb doctor stories. The closest story I have is when I told the Urgent Care doctor I was allergic to anything related to codeine, so he prescribed Vicodin. Which is related to codeine.


7:40 PM  
Blogger Jolene*Marie said... stuff. How about..I have a few medical stories..I've never been a fan of shots. Never. hah. Although who is? Anyhow, when I was about 8 or so, had to get a shot and I decided to jump while the nurse was giving me the needle. Needless to say, the needle went FLYING out of my arm turning around and around, needle juice flying everywhere. Nurse lovely scowled at me, then yelled at me, and I ended up gettin another shot! :(

Then..hah. Same year, I was pretty bold at 8..Dentist visit, my sister & I used to go in together. She's three years younger than me and our dentist wasn't a very nice woman. Chrissy was crying and the woman was yelling at I bit the lady when she put her fingers in my mouth. Needless to say, we have a new dentist..

Last year, at my pediatrician, yes I still go to the pediatrician..sue me! :-P She asked what we do to stay busy. You know, their always afraid that you sit on the couch & do nothing all day. I object, I sit on the COMPUTER and do nothing all day. j/p anyhow..after being told that I volunteer at the hospital, she says "oh what do you do there?"
Me: "Oh a lot, basically everything doctors like yourselves dont do but get paid for." ::said with evil grin:: My mom smacked me for that!

haha and when my sister's turn came around haha the doc says, "Well not that it's getting to be summer and you both have such fair skin, (Sure lady REMIND us how PALE WE ARE!) you'll want to remember to apply sunscreen. I didn't do this and look at me!"
Me: "Oh! I get it! You're one of those do as I say not as I do people!"

Again, my reward for wittiness was a smack! haha.

My fav. medical story though has to be the day we were eating lunch and some doctors joined our table at the hospital.

Dr1: "Hey Dr. whatchamacallit, what happened to that medical student of yours?"

Dr.whatchamacallit: "Oh I sent him to do something, can't remember what..told him to find me here. If he can't find the cafeteria he's not meant to be a doctor anyway."

Dr1: "Oh, haha okay."

That's all for my EXTREMELY long post. hah.


7:45 PM  
Blogger Bernita said...

Remember, Missie,LIFE is a terminal disease...
I love this blog.

3:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday and thanks for the funny stories.

That comment was too hilarious!

Mary G.

10:26 AM  
Blogger Bernita said...

Our oldest daughter was at the dentist. She was about eight.
He asked her if she was going to marry him when she grew up.
She said,"I don't know...there are so many men to choose from out there..."

10:54 AM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Bernita--Am i crazy or is it weird that your dentist asked your EIGHT YEAR OLD daugther to marry him? Her response was classic, though...but he's not your dentist anymore right?

10:04 PM  
Blogger Jolene*Marie said...

heh Jessica, my dentist used to tell me I was beautiful. Of course, my answer was always, and still is: "I know."

heh Jo

12:10 PM  
Blogger Larissa said...

Good. God. What a freakin' jerk!!!!

Loved your responses, though! :)

8:58 PM  
Blogger Bernita said...

Jessica, looking back makes you wonder, donit?
Thing was, it was one of the standard unconsciously chauvenistic lines a lot of people used on kids back then.Little boys got them too.
He was choking with laughter telling me about it.

4:13 AM  
Anonymous Ali G said...

ha! i had a similar experience every time i went to the college clinic...

me: asthma... chest pain... can't breathe... NEED DRUGS.

dumb doctor: is it possible you might be pregnant?

me: WTF?! can't... breathe... DRUGS. NOW.

DD: are you SURE you aren't pregnant?


DD: uh huh, right... but are you sure there's no chance...?

me: NO PENIS IN VAGINA. EVER. DRUUuuuugggs.... please...?

i still don't think they ever believed me... and why would i lie to the doctor in the COLLEGE CLINIC?! you think i'd pretend i HAD had sex...

4:26 PM  
Anonymous carmen said...

This is a way late comment, but I had that exact same thing happen, where the doc sent my mom out and asked me again if I was a virgin. Geez.

I also saw an orthopedist for a slipped disc in my neck. I told him, as I tell every doc, right away, that I have a clotting disorder, so I can't take aspirin or anything with anti-coagulant properties. After totally not even looking at my neck, he writes out a prescription (!!) and tells me to take two aspirin every six hours. If I'd been a dummy, instead of a medical writer in another department, I'd probably have bled to death from hangnail.

But I think my favorite one is when I was first working in a medical school. I'm bad with hospitals, freaky around sick people, so where do they send me my first week??? ICU. Man, I had the migraine from hell. So, the head nurse suggested I talk to a therapist to help me learn not to be so tense on the ward. (I was a ward clerk, not a nurse, btw) At the time I was dating three different guys who all wanted to marry me. This therapist, male, after about ten minutes of listening to me tell him how freaked out I was every time I even thought about going in to work, interrupts to tell me, basically, in therapist-ese, that my problem was I needed a man. So, my one and only therapy session lasted about a quarter hour.

The world is full of morons with MD degrees.

2:36 AM  
Anonymous ZaZa said...

Ooh. Shot in the butt. I had my first (come to think of it, I've only had two my whole life) when I was four. I can't remember now if it was just before or just after having my tonsils out. Anyway, the doc said this medicine had to be given that way. I refused. He, his nurse, and my mother spent a good ten minutes trying to talk me into it.
Finally, the doc asked why not? "It's undignified," I told him, which I still think is a reasonable answer. He tells me that's silly and my mother has had shots there before. He turns to her for corroboration. She nods and smiles, like, see, no big deal. She said I looked at her like, "You slut!" She wanted to cry, I looked so scornful.

There was no physical violence involved, but a lot of hurt feelings on the part of everyone but the kid.

2:42 AM  

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