History Ho Part Three: Tea and Crumpets A-GoGo!

First, let me thank all the newcomers who have dropped by the site for this discussion. I'm a little humbled that serious history ho's have linked here, for I'm no renowned scholar.

But I do know what I like.

And I like regencies. I know, I know, they're overdone. There was such a glut in that particular genre that a lot of fans tuned out. Don't worry, romantic suspense's day is coming. The thing to remember about regencies- you'll get interesting facts about whist and Weston's and Prinny's palace, but the rest of it is total fantasy. For example, except for the servants of our hero/heroine, there is no lower or middle class.

I have never, ever, ever read a regency about a class lower than Austen's gentry. Occasionally some randy earl might fall for a gentry lass he thought was a milkmaid, but no real class-switching goes on. And the daughter of the manor who ran away with the hunky footman always comes to no good. Several characters might marry beneath them, but not lower than country gentry or *shudder* upper middle class trade.

Regencies always focus on one thing. This must be what all those female readers are dying for, because you'll find three-page descriptions every time it's seen. No, it's not the sumptuous manor. Not the sculpted garden, nor the sights of Vauxhall or Astley's nor even the ballroom at Almack's. I'm talking about the fashions.

These books are the only ones I know that zero in on what our heroine is wearing even if she's just thrown something on to go and stop her lover from duelling with her brother at dawn.

"She could not let one of them be killed! It was nearly dawn; she must hurry. She selected a simple pale yellow muslin with a gathered waist that emphasized her slim figure and creamy skin."

She'll invariably be a countrified dowd who goes to London and becomes the favorite of the French modiste who designs her dresses. After that, plot goes out the window as we are treated to lengthy descriptions of every freaking dress the girl now owns. Fabric, color, cut, frills, lace, furbelows, fabric roses, matching hats, shoes, shawls, pelisses, kid gloves, and- a detailed examination of the decolletage, complete with our blushing girl's anxiety about whether or not she's going to catch pneumonia.

I always wonder why it takes a maid, sometimes two, to get the girls into these incredibly intricate outfits, yet the hero can get her out of it in two seconds flat. They can go have Swooning Tonsil Swabs or go ahead and indulge in Crumpets in the library or the garden or an alcove or darkened spot on the terrace, usually in the middle of a ball that's been pronounced the greatest crush of the season and a thousand people are there. Then, the hero, or just the heroine, can get her back into the gown and back in time for the dance she's promised to the nephew of her neighbour, nary a tear, wrinkle or grass stain in sight.

Another example: I can't help but chuckle at the incredibly trim waists and slim hips of our protags with the ventricle blocking meals they had. Hearty breakfasts with eggs and bacon and grilled kidneys and chocolate. Even cold luncheons were piled high. Afternoon teas featured muffins and teacakes and pastries. And supper? Seven course meals filled with entrees swimming in creamy sauces. How did these people move, let alone dance? Yes, I know wine helps the average European eat rich food without heart disease; but the heroines of these novels only drink lemonade or punch.

And finally, I must ask my friends in England one question. How can the 9,756,876 barons, lords, viscounts, marquis, earls and dukes (and their spacious country estates) that have appeared in Regencies possibly fit in a small island nation? For all these noble gentlemen to have country houses with acres and acres of land, England must have a dimension shifting ability to grow it's actual land mass to that of China. If you can get past all that, enjoy!

Next: Oh, come on, you know I have to say it. Westward Ho!