Royal Rascals, Pt. Two
Heart of Thunder
This just begs for another chapter of Robyn’s Rant. Ahem…
YOU ARE IN A DESERT VALLEY THAT IS ABOUT TO GET DUMPED ON BY A WICKED STORM. YOU WILL DROWN OR BE ELECTROCUTED. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR CRUMPETS. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND GO INSIDE YOU MORONS.
Things that Scare Me About this Cover:
1. The length of her right arm- It just keeps going and going and going...
2. Whatever is her left leg doing - is she pulling some Sidney Bristow and kicking an unseen assailant trying to sneak up behind her man or what?
3. The color of her hair-- Watermelon Cherry KoolAid is the new platinum blonde.
4. The Font- Not much of a difference between the r and the t in Heart makes it look like "Hearr of Thunder" at first glance. Which NO! No hearing of the thunder, please! Because after the hearing of the thunder always comes the smelling of the thunder. And no. Just no.
5. His overuse of sunless tanner or his under use of sunscreen-- Either which way, he reminds me of my grandma's old couch.
6. The Blurb-- She would love him or destroy him. Look, Couch Boy. Not such good choices ya got there. Try eHarmony. They can maybe find you a better match.
I knew it. I just knew the day would come when one of Madonna’s dancers would snap and try to choke the life right out of her. “You think you’re the only one who would look good in those white hair extensions and high school prom makeup and bullet bra? I’ll crush your ribcage, you drag queen wannabe.”
After becoming the only Troll doll to successfully grant her own wish to become human, Flossie finds work in a B movie as a corpse who comes back to life after a kiss from a man who has a secret passion for bracelets, Toupees by Ted Koppel, and matching his makeup to his woman's.
When Love Awaits
I am consistently amazed by the talented wind in these covers. It ruffles her hair very gently away from her face, yet blows like mad in the other direction to make sure her scarf cleverly covers his, er, sword. Does she remind anyone else of Barbra Streisand? Check it out:
I am awaiting the yellow pods on the arm of her dress to burst open, freeing the same aliens who tried to eat Sigourney Weaver on many occasions, but who have now traveled back in time to wreak havoc, eat the naked moron on this cover, kidnap the Breck Girl, and live happily ever after sliming up the castle. Go Aliens. The End.
Up next: Titles that made us go “Whaaaa?”