I am writing to you today in hopes that you can help me with a problem I am having. It seems that lately, my head is exploding at regular intervals, forcing me to keep a roll of duct tape handy in order to repair the damage. After visiting several health professionals and speaking with my fellow blogstress who knows all, Robyn, we have narrowed down the cause of my malady.
It’s you guys. And girls. All y’all.
It’s not the fact that you think the world revolves around you, which, news flash—it doesn’t. It’s not that you think you can say and do whatever you want, and we are not supposed to be offended, shocked or otherwise express any negative attitude about your “art”. And it’s not even the weird baby name thing you all seem to have a penchant for. I really don’t care if you want to call your kid ShineyMoonHiney. After all, you have the money to pay for the therapy he’ll need later.
It’s all the marrying and divorcing. For cryin out loud, y’all. Stop. Just stop.
Now, most of you live in LA, New York, or Music City, just as far away from the peons like me who buy your mediocre CDs and watch your crappy movies. However, it seems to me that us peons have a better track record at the whole marriage thing than you do, so allow me to offer you a few hints so that maybe you can spend less time in your lawyer’s office and more time turning out a quality product that we might actually want to spend our hard-earned money on.
1. It’s not a good idea to marry someone you have known for fifteen minutes, regardless of how hot he or she is. There is no substitution for getting to know someone before deciding to join your lives together. I have been married for almost fourteen years and am still finding out new things about my husband, and he’s not all that deep.
2. Don’t go into marriage looking for the back door. Signing prenups and having your peeps contact your intended’s peeps to do the deal is not the best way to start a marriage. Marriage should be for life, not until you fall in love with your next co-star. (and for the love of Pete, quit using the word “peeps”. Makes me think of a bunch of marshmallowy sugar-coated morons running around doing your bidding. And my brain already hurts from exploding so much.)
3. Realize that a wedding does not make a marriage. Some of you have spent more time planning your nuptials than you ever spent on trying to work on your relationship. Marriage is work. Lots of work. Lots and lots of work. Think of it as the most important role you ever had. Because it is.
4. “Irreconcilable differences” is a load of crap. If everyone who had irreconcilable differences with her spouse got divorced, there would be no married people in the country. And the “we grew to apart” line is a load, too. If you can grow apart, you can grow back together. With a boatload of work. Chocolate helps too.
5. If there are kids involved, keep your nappy butt married. If you thought he was good enough to sleep and make babies with, then at least think of the babies you made and try to give them an intact family. Unless Daddy is into stuff that’s illegal, immoral, or unethical, don’t you dare split them babies’ homes up. Think beyond your next Botox treatment and do something for your children. Love their dad.
6. Finally, remember that God sees everything. He was listening when you took those vows, whether in a fancy church or in front of an Elvis impersonator. You made a contract. Do everything in your power to keep it. He thinks it’s pretty darn important. You should too.
Hopefully, by following the above guidelines, you and your fellow famous people can enjoy some of the happiness that those of us in real America enjoy on a daily basis. Please at least give it a shot. My head can't take much more.